{"id":50404,"date":"2019-06-17T05:04:42","date_gmt":"2019-06-17T05:04:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/imaginechildcare.com.au\/merewether-heights\/?p=50404"},"modified":"2019-06-18T04:34:51","modified_gmt":"2019-06-18T04:34:51","slug":"how-to-stop-losing-your-cool-with-your-kids-with-a-powerful-pause","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/imaginechildcare.com.au\/merewether-heights\/how-to-stop-losing-your-cool-with-your-kids-with-a-powerful-pause\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Stop Losing Your Cool With Your Kids\u2014With a Powerful Pause"},"content":{"rendered":"

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The less regulated we are as parents, the more likely it is that we will react to our kids, letting their emotions overcome us. But this one little trick for calm parenting can make all the difference between reacting and responding, even when you\u2019re exhausted.<\/em><\/p>\n

My coffee cup was halfway to my mouth for that first sip of the day when the battle cries from the 5- and 6-year-old cousins drifted into my sister\u2019s kitchen\u2026<\/p>\n

No, it\u2019s MINE!
But I had it FIRST!
That\u2019s not fair!
But I want it!<\/em><\/p>\n

I sighed.<\/p>\n

Then the 2-year-old shrieked, and I jumped up quickly, irritated before even entering the room. My body leaned forward, and my breath held tight in my chest. I went in\u00a0<\/span>hot<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

And while I didn\u2019t technically yell, my tone wasn\u2019t much better.\u00a0<\/span>Maybe no one will get to have it if we can\u2019t agree. Maybe we all need to take a break. Well, none of that is YOURS, actually, it all belongs to the 2-year-old.<\/em><\/p>\n

Biting words. Fighting words. Words that\u00a0<\/span>certainly<\/strong>\u00a0<\/span>did not bring peace to the situation.<\/p>\n

Looking into their faces with their furrowed brows and set jaws, I realized I was just\u00a0<\/span>reacting<\/em>\u00a0<\/span>to their emotions instead of\u00a0<\/span>responding in a caring and constructive way<\/a>. The opposite of mindful, calm parenting.<\/p>\n

Bonus:<\/strong>\u00a0<\/span>Download a free cheat sheet<\/a>\u00a0<\/span>of mantras for parents from Ashley, the author of this post and the mom behind the web site Nurture and Thrive.<\/p>\n

The Reason We Lose Our Cool As Parents<\/h2>\n

I\u2019m a child development psychologist. I\u00a0<\/span>know<\/em>\u00a0<\/span>reacting like that doesn\u2019t teach kids how to regulate their own emotions. I\u00a0<\/span>know<\/em>\u00a0<\/span>biting words don\u2019t help kids learn how to resolve conflict. I\u00a0<\/span>know<\/em>\u00a0<\/span>kids need connection in order to cooperate.<\/p>\n

Calm parenting is a must for healthy childhood development. And yet, I\u00a0<\/span>still<\/strong>\u00a0<\/span>reacted to emotion with emotion. Why?<\/p>\n

The truth is that the less regulated we are as parents, the more likely it is that we will react to our kids, letting\u00a0<\/span>their<\/em>\u00a0<\/span>emotions overcome\u00a0<\/span>us<\/em>.<\/p>\n

For example, I\u2019d spent the day before on a 6-hour plane ride and was operating on less sleep and a time difference. It felt like responding to the kids\u2019 emotions in a constructive way would take\u00a0<\/span>too much<\/strong>\u00a0<\/span>energy.<\/p>\n

But I\u2019ve discovered that one little trick for calm parenting can make all the difference between reacting and responding, even when you\u2019re exhausted.<\/p>\n

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The Secret to Calm Parenting? The Pause<\/h2>\n

A few minutes later, the shrieks began again.<\/p>\n

But that time, I caught myself tensing up and I\u00a0<\/span>paused<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

I took a slow breath. I said my mantra:\u00a0<\/span>\u201cObserve with an open heart.\u201d<\/em>\u00a0<\/span>I centered myself.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s why: Research shows that saying a mantra can\u00a0<\/span>calm the brain<\/a>. Pair that with the power of deep breathing, a proven way to\u00a0<\/span>halt the stress response<\/a>, and you have a\u00a0<\/span>powerful<\/strong>\u00a0<\/span>way to center yourself. The secret to calm parenting.<\/p>\n

After the pause,<\/strong>\u00a0<\/span>I was prepared to face the self-perceived injustice of three strong-willed boys.<\/p>\n

After the pause,<\/strong>\u00a0<\/span>I saw their stressed faces and their struggle. I empathized \u2013\u00a0<\/span>I can see you\u2019re upset. You feel like this is unfair.<\/em><\/p>\n

After the pause,<\/strong>\u00a0<\/span>I asked them if they could think of a way to work it out. We waded through their suggestions and settled on something everyone could agree to.<\/p>\n

This is responding instead of reacting. This is\u00a0<\/span>mindful parenting<\/a>\u00a0<\/span>\u2013\u00a0<\/span>calm<\/em>\u00a0<\/span>parenting.<\/p>\n

Related:\u00a0<\/span>How to Stop Being an Angry Mom Now\u2026Using 5 Hair Ties<\/a>\u00a0<\/span>{Printable}<\/strong><\/p>\n

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How to Be a Calm Parent: The Power of the Pause<\/h2>\n

Rapid breathing in your upper chest, tight muscles, a tight jaw, a sense of urgency \u2013 all of these are early signs of\u00a0<\/span>stress<\/strong>\u00a0<\/span>in the body. When you feel them, take a mindful pause.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s how you can get started with this calm parenting technique:<\/p>\n

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  1. Stop what you\u2019re doing and count to 10. If you need to remove a younger child from the situation, you can pick them up, but don\u2019t react to anything yet. Simply hold them. Count to 10 out loud in front of your kids. (Modeling how to calm down is a great bonus for teaching your children self-regulation!)<\/li>\n
  2. Take a deep breath.<\/li>\n
  3. Say your mantra. (More on this in a minute.)<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Developmental psychologists now use this kind of practice as a way to\u00a0<\/span>strengthen relationships between parents and adolescents<\/a>.<\/p>\n

    Programs that teach parents mindfulness techniques include paying attention to the breath, recognizing signs of stress in your own body, and then being able to\u00a0<\/span>halt<\/strong>\u00a0<\/span>that process with a pause. Parents learn how to be a calm parent \u2013 breathe mindfully and say a mantra like\u00a0<\/span>\u201cstop, be calm, be present.\u201d<\/a><\/p>\n

    But First, Choose Your Mantra<\/h2>\n

    Here are some calm parenting mantras that have worked for me:<\/p>\n